Welcome, ladies, gentlemen, and those still waiting for their KYC verification—today we gather not to discuss global warming, education reform. No. We are here to talk about a topic far more complicated, heavily emotional, and wrapped in more secrecy than the formula of Coca Cola: Halal Certification.
Yes, that magical logo printed on your biscuit packet, your shampoo bottle, your ice cream tub, and maybe soon on your oxygen cylinder—because breathing without certification is clearly a dangerous hobby.
So buckle up. Because this journey is full of humour, uncomfortable truths, questions that hit harder than expired pickle and a Positive Perspective.
Once Upon a Time, Food Was Just Food
There was a peaceful era when humans ate food without requiring legal paperwork. You cooked rice, you ate rice, and life moved on. Grandmothers were the only certifying authority—no logo needed, just a stare powerful enough to paralyze your soul.
But then came modern civilization.
Now everything needs certification:
- Driving needs certification
- Education needs certification
- Marriage needs certification
- And now… potatoes also need certification
It’s 2025, and we have officially reached a point where even vegetables need a moral character certificate. Somewhere out there, a tomato is nervously sweating thinking about its background verification.
The Great Certification Explosion
Halal certification originally had a clear purpose: ensure meat is processed according to religious guidelines, clean, ethical, and humane. Perfectly reasonable.
But like any simple government scheme, it evolved into something nobody fully understands today.
Suddenly:
- There are multiple certifying agencies, each with its own paperwork, fees, and seals.
- Products that never met a chicken in their life need halal approval.
- Every second item in the supermarket has a halal logo—even salt, water, toothpaste, and face cream.
Face cream needs halal certification. What are people doing with face cream? Using it to marinate chicken tikka?
Toothpaste needs halal approval. Are people spreading it on parathas now?
Salt packets carry halal marks. Did someone find goats hiding inside salt mines?
At this rate, I’m mentally preparing for:
“Halal Wi-Fi” – purified internet packets
“Halal Sunlight” – vitamin D with guaranteed religious compliance
“Halal Air Conditioning” – spiritually filtered oxygen
Meanwhile, common sense is missing, and nobody wants to certify that.
The Invisible Economics (That Nobody Wants to Talk About)
Every certification has a fee.
The fee goes somewhere.
Where does it go?
Ah, the forbidden question.
Ask this politely and the universe reacts like you tried to steal nuclear launch codes.
“Why are you asking?”
“What is your agenda?”
“Are you spreading negativity?”
“You must be anti-something!”
Relax, sir. I just asked a question. If curiosity is a crime, half the students preparing for competitive exams should be arrested.
The Million-Dollar (or Multi-Crore) Mysteries
Let us list some painful questions that float in the minds of ordinary consumers:
1. Why are there so many halal agencies?
Is this a food certification system or IPL franchise auction?
Who certifies the certifiers?
Is there a government exam like UPSC for this?
If yes, please share syllabus.
2. If certification is only about hygiene, why restrict it to one belief system?
Should we also launch:
- Pure Jain Certified Water
- Christianity Approved Custard
- Sikh Standard Chapati
- Buddhist Non-Attachment Pickles
One nation, many food logos—supermarket shelves will look like election banners.
3. If money collected is used for welfare, why the secrecy?
When an organization does charity through publicly collected funds, transparency is basic expectation.
Even wedding expenses are more open than these accounts.
We know exactly how much money Ambani spent on Rihanna’s performance at the sangeet—but halal certification finances? Total blackout.
4. Why not label non-halal too?
If choice is sacred, shouldn’t choice apply to everyone?
Supermarket shelf:
- Halal chicken – clearly labeled
- Non-halal chicken – mysterious box hidden behind detergent
Brilliant.
Consumer Confusion: A Comedy Film
Walk into a grocery store today and observe the panic inside shoppers’ eyes. They are scanning packets like detectives looking for clues.
“Bro, this biscuit has a halal logo. Should I buy or avoid?
Also, this soap has halal too. Am I supposed to eat it?”
Product packaging today looks like it has passed through:
- ISRO inspection
- RAW verification
- IB investigation
- And religious visa approval
But nutrition information? Too small to read. Marketing 1, Health 0.
If halal certification genuinely ensures clean and ethical handling of food—wonderful!
We need more hygiene, not less. We need cleaner food systems, not chaos.
But when an originally religious requirement quietly transforms into a commercial empire, questions become necessary.
The funniest part? Asking questions is treated like rebellion.
Imagine going to a shop:
“Bhaiya, what’s the price of this item?”
“WHY ARE YOU QUESTIONING THE PRICE? WHAT IS YOUR INTENTION?”
That’s exactly the energy around the halal debate.
Hypothetical Future
Welcome to 2035. Here’s the news:
“Government to introduce Halal Certified Rail Tickets. Only verified moral passengers allowed.”
“Halal Electricity — Now approved current that doesn’t shock beliefs.”
“Breaking: Non-halal mosquitoes arrested for unauthorized biting — no valid certificate.”
If we continue at this pace, soon even marriage biodata will include:
- Height
- Weight
- Horoscope
- Halal compliance barcode
The Untold Irony
People are fighting over certification logos on biscuit packets while real problems silently laugh:
- Farmers struggling
- Rising inflation
- Malnutrition
- Food adulteration
- Corruption
- Plastic flooding everything
But sure, let’s passionately debate the religious purity of shampoo.
Because clearly, dandruff is a spiritual issue.
The biggest joke of all?
Nobody hates clean food.
Nobody hates religious freedom.
Nobody hates choice.
People only hate being manipulated without consent.
Transparency earns respect.
Secrecy breeds suspicion.
If halal certification is pure and noble—wonderful!
Then proudly display:
- Accounts
- Audit reports
- Fund usage
- Source details
If everything is clean, why fear sunlight?
Unless there is something hiding in the dark, waiting to bite.
Food today is less about nutrition and more about labels.
We don’t know if the chicken is fresh…
But we know it passed 11 stamps, 6 QR codes, and 3 religious approvals.
We don’t know if the product is healthy…
But we know the packet design is loud enough to cause migraine.
And somewhere in the distance, a confused citizen asks:
“Bhai, yeh paisa kahan ja raha hai?”
And silence responds louder than truth.
A Toast (Halal Certified Bread Optional)
This editorial is not against halal as a concept.
It is against a system that hides behind emotions to avoid accountability.
In a democracy:
Asking questions is not a crime. It is duty.
Transparency is not disrespect. It is expectation.
Criticism is not hate. It is awareness.
So until answers arrive,
Until accounts open,
Until transparency returns,
We continue laughing.
We continue questioning.
And we continue shopping with a magnifying glass.
After all,
Food should nourish the stomach
Not trigger religious panic attacks
And remember:
The real certification we need today is common sense.
Sadly, that’s the one thing nobody is producing.
