Upon witnessing the UK–India Free Trade Agreement negotiations
My dear brothers and sisters of India,
I greet you from a place where there are no tariffs, no customs duties, and thankfully, no paperwork. Here, even angels refuse to fill long forms — something your bureaucrats may wish to learn from.
I have been observing from above the renewed friendship between India and Britain. I must confess, when I saw a delegation from the United Kingdom landing in Delhi once again, I nearly spilled my divine glass of goat milk. For a moment, I wondered if history had found a humorous way to repeat itself — perhaps this time, the East India Company had returned wearing business suits instead of military uniforms!
But then I heard the word FTA — Free Trade Agreement — and I relaxed. Free trade sounds absolutely harmonious. In my time, we struggled for Swaraj — self-rule. Today, you negotiate for Market Access and Reduced Tariffs. Progress indeed!
Last time, the British took control of India by trading spices. This time, they are trading Scotch whisky and luxury cars. That is what one may call… the evolution of empire with better bottle packaging.
On the British Delegation
I watched from heaven as British representatives proclaimed,
“We come only to trade.”
Ah!
Those words ring like a familiar song.
When they first “came only to trade,” India lost her freedom for two centuries.
Now they return again with the same line, but this time with PowerPoint slides instead of cannons.
A far less dangerous weapon — unless the slides contain hidden clauses.
To the Indian Delegation
I saw each of you studying the agreement with great seriousness.
My children, you must read every line carefully.
Remember: the British once took the Kohinoor after saying they merely wanted to “see it.”
And I fear that after tariff cuts on whisky, the only jewel left shining in British museums will be the face of the Indian consumer paying the tax bill.
And please, do not allow any clause resembling a Salt Tax.
We made salt our symbol of freedom — do not let it become a symbol of inflation.
To the People of India
I heard some of you saying,
“We want cheaper whisky and cheaper British cars.”
I must remind you — when I marched to Dandi, it was for salt, not for Scotch!
If you must march this time, please check the price before marching.
To the British Friends
Welcome again to India — land of yoga, chai, and people who never forget history.
I hope you truly come in peace and partnership.
But let this be clear: This is a new India, not one that will sign away its future for a box of cookies and an imported automobile.
Trade should create harmony, not hierarchy.
Partnership, not possession.
Respect, not rule.
And, dear British brothers — if you still want to borrow the Kohinoor,
kindly fill a form, attach Aadhaar, PAN card, electricity bill, three passport photos, and wait 18 months for approval.
Then maybe.
Final Words
Let commerce flow freely,
but let dignity remain sovereign.
Let trade build bridges,
not chains.
India fought for independence with truth and non-violence —
do not now surrender it for discounts and duty cuts.
And if any doubt arises during negotiations,
just remember the simplest principle from my spinning wheel:
“Self-reliance first, self-respect always.”
Jai Hind.
And please — count the spoons.
