Growing up I was never the most confident person in any aspect of my life. Be it the way I look, my work or simply anything that anyone would not give a second thought. Being an over thinker did not help either. I never really understood the reason why I was the way I was. Having parents who forced you to do better and always criticizing, being compared to your own little sister because of your skin color did not help in this matter. Being exposed to social media at a young age was not exactly the best decision either. My friends were always the ones motivating me and they are always there for me whenever I was down or just needed someone to talk to, they were just always there. But when your friends are overachievers who are great at everything they try it becomes hard for you to just be around them because of your own insecurities. It was not their fault that they were great neither was it mine, just my insecurities.
The one thing that came out to be good from my insecurities was the fact that I have always found it difficult to pick out negatives from a person. Before even thinking about anyone else somewhere in my brain a voice says, “who are you to say something, have you not seen yourself?”
It has always been hard for me to come out and say things on my mind. I always feel like I’m bothering people even though it’s not true, at least that’s what they say. I have always had a fear of being left out, I guess that’s why I get anxious when people don’t tell me what they were whispering about, which makes me think that it’s about time they started excluding me.
It was a normal school day, all my friends were present, classes were going on just the way it usually is on school days. I had this sudden urge to go back which was weird because I always preferred being at school rather than at home. I went to my friend’s class as she brought a souvenir from a place she recently visited. The moment we hugged it was almost as if something inside me clicked and I started crying. She took me to a place with some privacy and one way another one of my friends joined us when she saw me crying. They asked me what happened and when I refused to speak anything they tried to make me understand that there’s no point in keeping things inside as it does no one good. After struggling a lot I finally spoke and said everything that’s been going on inside my head for a long time. That was the day I knew that I am not bothering them and that they will be ready to listen to everything I have to say if I simply just talk to them.
One day, I looked in the mirror and instead of the usual noticing my flaws I thought about how I look so beautiful. I was not even ready for a party, just in my casual clothes. And then again the next day, I guess I was finally acknowledging that I was beautiful and I do not need anyone else to make me believe so.
People say that before anything else we should love ourselves. What they don’t know is that it’s hard. It’s very hard when you have grown up with people telling you the exact opposite. But it’s not impossible. It will take time and a lot of thinking and cleansing your thoughts. But at the end of the day, the result is worth it.
I am Anushka Parmar, just another average 11th grader pursuing humanities. I discovered my love for reading in 8th grade when my best friend forced me to read her favourite book and I am glad that she did. Never in my mind did the thought cross that I could write. Later writing became a way for me to express myself freely. Oh and I am a huge Potterhead too.
